As parents, we want the absolute best for our kids. We want to see them shine, overcome challenges, and succeed on the big stage. But there’s a fine line between supporting our kids and overburdening them with unreasonable expectations.
Dr. Jon Skidmore put it plainly during our recent discussion: high expectations are often a formula for frustration, disappointment, and resentment. When our expectations for a child outweigh their actual stage of emotional and physical development, sports stop being an enjoyable game and start feeling like an obligation.
The Pitfalls of Unrealistic Expectations
- The Trap of All-or-Nothing Thinking: Young kids naturally evaluate themselves in black-and-white terms. When they feel they aren’t living up to adult expectations, they internalize it as being bad at the sport or disappointing their parents.
- Fear of Failure Replaces the Drive to Play: When the price of making a mistake feels too high, kids stop taking risks. They play timidly to avoid errors rather than playing freely to make plays.
- The Rare Nature of Prodigies: Natural prodigies are extremely rare. The vast majority of kids fall into multi-talented or developing categories. Pushing an elementary-age athlete as if they must be elite right now usually leads to early burnout.
What to Do Instead
Shifting your focus from outcome-based goals to process-based goals is one of the most powerful moves you can make as a sports parent, but putting it into practice takes a conscious mindset shift.
When we only celebrate wins, high scores, or trophies, kids quickly learn that their value on the field is tied entirely to the final result, something they often can’t completely control. If the referee makes a bad call or the other team is just bigger and faster, focusing solely on the win leaves your child feeling helpless when things don’t go their way.
Process-based goals change the entire dynamic because they give control back to your young athlete. Instead of asking “Did you win?” or “How many points did you score?” on the ride home, try steering the conversation toward effort, growth, and character:
- Highlight Controllable Actions: Celebrate the quiet victories that show progress, like keeping their composure after a mistake, calling out plays to help a teammate, or executing a footwork drill they’ve been practicing all week.
- Redefine What Success Looks Like: Help them see that success centers on giving full effort and showing up for their team. When a child knows you’re paying attention to their hustle rather than just the scoreboard, the fear of making mistakes starts to melt away.
- Be Their Safe Landing Pad: Let your child take the wheel when it comes to their passion and motivation for the game. Your job isn’t to push them down the path, but to offer a steady, unconditional foundation of encouragement so they know your support never hinges on whether they win or lose.
When kids realize they are praised for their grit, attitude, and learning process, sports stop feeling like a high-stakes exam and start feeling like what they were always meant to be: fun, empowering, and transformative.